Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
girls literally only want one thing..
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
titanic
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
When your diet is finally over.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.