Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
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Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*