Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

It has been 3 years since Monday.

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”