Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess