Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

The human personality is made of five key elements