Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

*aggressively waits in line*

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

this is how life feels

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”