Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I bet
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]