Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …