Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
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“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s