Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*