Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
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Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
gm
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
We will use anything but the metric system
