Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
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why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
#parenting
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.