Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
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My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Liquor Store Parking
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds