not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
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NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.