not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.