not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?