Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

From Facebook just now…

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.