Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
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be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.