Not being an heiress has ruined my life
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.