Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
You Might Also Like
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I’ve had relationships like this
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Sorry not sorry.
