Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair