Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”