Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.