not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
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I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.