Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Best mom ever 😂

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

From Facebook just now…

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Ladies, why y’all do this?