not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
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i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!