not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
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The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’m the neighbor
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.