not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
For cardio I live beyond my means.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*