Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
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Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
How to walk around a museum
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.