Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
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When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.