Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.