Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
You Might Also Like
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
me when the borders lift
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high