Not even remotely sorry.
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Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer