Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?