Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Yoga Matt

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

Stop

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

turtles are just lizards who work in construction