Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.