Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

classic mixup

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

I triple waxed for this?

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?