Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
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Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
🤣
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Drive like no one is watching.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.