Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.