Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
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I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you