Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Go gym
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
#SaturdayBears
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*