Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
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I unironically love this joke.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.