Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

who did the taste test?

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

The prophecy is fulfilled

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”