Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
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My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
happy halloween
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I’m being attacked 😭
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted