Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

:/

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.