Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

You better wish for more oil

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.