Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”