Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

😆

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

S O O N

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.