Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho