Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I have so many questions.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”