Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

Lmfao

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.