NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Haha! 😂
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
the rocks need my help
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.