Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
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What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”