Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Hmmmmmmm….
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
opening twitter today
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.