Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Imagine having a party on purpose.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
The sacred texts.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot