Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.