not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
You Might Also Like
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family