not for long
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If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen