not for long
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Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.