not for long
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for