not for long
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i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Thursday
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else