Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
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I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
😂😂😂
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free