Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.