Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”