Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
peeping toms
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: