Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Yes, but it was never about money

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

Great acting.. 😂