Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

What even happened today?

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.