Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
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[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
🙂🐾
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons