Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.