not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
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Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.