not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
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“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died