Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Tell me you get it…🤣

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.