Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together