Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Math at Halloween.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.