Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
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This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell