Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

No one can handle that

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.