Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase