Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

an octopus is just a wet spider

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

My boss called in sick of me

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

omg leave her alone