Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

His flabber was gasted 😂

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Drilling for oil is well boring.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”