Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
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Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Match dot com, but for socks.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes