Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
You Might Also Like
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
I’m the neighbor
