Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
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I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.