Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
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Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism